Gratitude, gratitude, the greatest gift that I possess

Before I got sober, I don’t think I was ever grateful for anything. Not genuinely grateful. Was I grateful for being brought up in a loving family, by parents who devoted their lives to ensuring my sister and I were fed, clothed, housed and educated? Parents who took us on holiday every year, made our home a real castle and ensured we had Christmas presents every year? All of this despite the fact there was little spare money ever around. Love in abundance though.

Fast forward to being married, having a loving wife and two great little lads, a decent house a thriving business and smart cars. Was I grateful then? I’m sure there were times when I had a moment of clarity and thought:

“How the flip did this happen?”

Then I’d quickly get wrapped up in my own self importance and the woes of running a fair size business.

By then though, I was wrapped up in the disease of more – both materially and mentally. Grateful? Nah, not really. Not at all. Look at the responsibilities I have. If you had my responsibilities, you’d drink,

As the disease progressed what gratitude might still have existed on brief occasions soon disappeared altogether and as things started to unravel, self pity increasingly took over.

The alcoholic binges, where I”d take myself off somewhere for days and end up alone in a hotel room. Poor me. poor me. Pour me another drink. No thought for family. No thought for the plight of others. No thought for anyone but moi.

Then the final denouement. Six months of wilderness. The last throes of the chronic alcoholic. Self pity, self loathing and self isolation became default settings. I drank to forget, to anaesthetise and hopefully to die – the final act of utter selfishness. The absolute opposite of gratitude.

I didn’t die. I got sober. Gratitude was there from day one. Being able to put my head down on a pillow, sober and going to sleep without being half cut. Thank you. I am truly grateful.

It was the head clearing. It was waking up sober. It was my family gradually starting to talk to me again. For lets not forget, they suffered more than I. It was gratitude for them and their incredible powers of forgiveness. The gratitude that is still there for my family taking me fully back into there midst. Always will it be there. Thank you, with all my heart.

Gratitude for the wonderful people that make up AA. They don’t just mend cars, they mend broken souls 🙂 Thank you. To my higher power, for keeping me sober on a daily basis. Thank you.

Gratitude to the people who gave me work and allowed me to rebuild self esteem and a career, one that I wouldn’t change for the world. I am grateful.

I could go on ad finitem.

How strange is it that when we have everything it’s so easy not to have any gratitude at all? Hit rock bottom and try to get well, the gratitude for the tiniest things is there in abundance. I guess the difference is spiritual.

It’s over ten years since I last had a drink. Life has got better and better.

I’d love to say that I’m full of gratitude all the time. I’d be lying. However, when my gratitude bank seems to be running low, something usually seems to miraculously replenish it – like wondering what to write about on my blog.

Oh and thanks Mum and Dad. Thanks a million x